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Saturday, April 22, 2017

Barnyard Secrets

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. 

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." 

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." 

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. 

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." 

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. 

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." 

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
 ******************** 
 
What is she rehearsing for? 
Will that cow give her some pointers!

A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

Bull got balls!
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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK, old fart, time to retire.' The old rooster replies,' come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over.' 

The old rooster says 'I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs, 'You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start. 'The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. 

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head, 'Damn,...third gay rooster I bought this month.'
********************



DO YOU KNOW WHY SOLDIERS DON'T HAVE CHICKENS?



SEEMS LIKE EVERY MORNING A NASTY SARGENT POKES HIS HEAD IN THE BARRACKS AND HOLLOWS "DROP YOU'RE COCKS AND GRAB YOU SOCKS"! 



BUT THEN, THERE ALL THOSE LONELY SOLDIERS
FAR FROM HOME WHO JUST CAN'T RESIST
'CHOKING THEIR CHICKEN'!
********************
NOT TODAY BILLY BOB.  I HAVE A HEADACHE!
DAILY DOSE OF SKIN

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