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Saturday, May 27, 2017

Sperm-a-Jokes


Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. 

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. 

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. 

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. 

After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive. 

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!


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What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? 
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. 

Why is urine yellow and sperm white? 
So men can tell if they are coming or going. 

One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?" 
The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils." 

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? 
They won't stop to ask directions.
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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. 
Man: "What are you doing here today?" 
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." 
 Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." 
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. 
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" 
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
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A teacher asks her class: “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot at one of them, how many will be left?” 

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot” 

The teacher replies: “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” 

 Then Little Johnny says: “I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied: “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” 

To which Little Johnny replied: “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem ... 

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. 

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. 

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
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