Heaven and Sexy Babes

At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter is waiting for each soul that enters. It was a slow day, but finally, someone arrives at the gates. Peter looks the guy over and asks, “How long were you married and how many times did you cheat on her?” The guy looks proudly at Peter and says, “In all the 25 years I was married, I never once cheated on my wife.” Peter smiles and says, “Because of that, you get to ride around Heaven in a Mercedes.” The car appears suddenly and the man gets in and drives off. 

A second guy arrives at the gates, and Peter asks him, “How long were you married to your wife and how many times did you cheat on her?” The second guy looks down and says, “10 years, and 2 times.” Peter frowns a bit and replies, “For that, you will ride around Heaven in a Taurus.” The car appears and the man gets in and drives off. 

The third man arrives in Heaven and Peter asks,”How long were you married, and how many times did you cheat on her?” The third guy replies, “5 years, and 6 times.” Peter says, “You get a Honda to drive around in Heaven then.” And the car appears and the man gets in and drives off. 

Just as the third guy gets inside Heaven, the car stalls and won’t start. He gets out to see what was wrong, when he sees the first guy sitting at the side of the road, crying. The third guy asks, “What’s wrong? Car trouble?” The first guy answers, “No, I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard.”

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Yankee in Texas Cowboy Bar

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN....

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there is the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him and left. A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said. A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over and knocked him off his stool. "Dadgum!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country." "Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"

The Morning after the Night before

Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. 

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you." 

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. "What happened last night, son?" Sam asks. 

His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" 

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.

______________________________

EVER HAD ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU PICKED UP THE BEST LOOKING BABE IN THE BAR?  MORE BELOW....

BUT WOKE THE NEXT MORNING WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS OLD GAL, WINKING AND ASKING, "YOU KNOW WHAT WE DID LAST NITE STUD"?

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? 
A: It changes their blood type.

 ********************

The angry wife met her husband at the door. 

There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. 

“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?” 

“There is,” he replied. “I’d like some breakfast.”

********************

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, 
cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. 
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. 
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" 
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. 
You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
 "He's an idiot," Bob said. "Piss on him!" 
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said Bob. 
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

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