Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Big Pecker Jokes

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." 

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. 

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"  
A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." 

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?" 

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."

Thanks to Odie over at Woodsterman´for this iconic image of a huge piece of unprocessed wood.  Formerly know as the 'hanging tree', but for obvious reasons now called the 'hung tree'!  I would be remiss if I failed to point out that the tree in question is now protected by armed guards.  It seems that recently some women from the San Francisco Bay area were caught approaching the tree with chainsaws.  Apparently they were extremely desperate for male attention and wood go to any length, no pun intended, to take home a reasonable facsimile of the male organ despite the danger of splinters and the possibility of  unwanted attention from termites and woodpeckers.
Big Pecker
A farmer claims to have the biggest "Pecker" in the world and was going to post pictures of it on his face book site. 

 Sure enough next day there was a picture posted of the farmers rooster who did indeed have the biggest BEAK ever seen on a rooster.

Two aliens landed in a very remote section of an Arizona desert.  After a long walk they come to an abandon gas station. One of the two approached the gas pump, thinking it to be an inhabitant of the planet and said, "greetings Earthling, take us to you leader".  

Of course there was no reply.  Where upon the first alien repeated his words, "greeting Earthling, take us to you leader."  Again there was silence.  The Alien was getting mad and drew his ray gun and repeated the message, "take me to your leader or I'll shoot."  The second Alien said, "don't shoot"!  

But before the words has scarcely passed his lips the first Alien fires.  There is a huge explosion, tossing the two hundreds of yards.  After coming around, the first Alien asked the second, "how did you know these earthlings were so mean.  

The second replies, after years of traveling the galaxy I have learned you never mess with a man whose pecker is so long he can wrap it around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.
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