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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Cheating Husbands and Wives

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. 

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. 

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. 

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' 
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Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. "Betty, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" "Well, hard to say... Yes, 3 times." "Three??? When were they?" 

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?" "Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" 

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number two?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?" "Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" 

 "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" 

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
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CHEATING
THE SECRET TO HUMAN SUCCESS
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!' 

'What a coincidence,'the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.' 'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman. 'What a coincidence' says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 

'My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!' 'What a coincidence,' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.' 

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
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And now for the Meat in the 'Meat and Potatoes'!
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